


Cat Conspiracy

by PrinnPrick



Series: Love (and) Letters [22]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cat, Cute, Epistolary, Feline, Flirting, Homosexuality, Letters, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Manipulation, Sass, Slash, cat is in charge, mother quit interfering, short one-shot, well at least it wasn't father
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 14:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20694983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinnPrick/pseuds/PrinnPrick
Summary: Harry has taken to a more solitary life after leaving the Aurors. That is... until a particularly fluffy cat makes herself at home at his place.





	Cat Conspiracy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [playout](https://archiveofourown.org/users/playout/gifts).

> It's been a while since one of these has been seen, huh?
> 
> Yes, I still have a strong love for these two. xD Just because my focus tends to shift does not mean I have moved on. I probably never will~

Dear Malfoy,

Your kneazle is here. See, this is why kneazles bother me--they're too smart. How did yours even learn to use the floo? You'll be unhappy to know she's covered in soot, which is how I know she used the floo... That, or she played in the fireplace. But then how did she get here unless you purposely sent her through? Your tag on her is what told me she was yours. "Narcissa"? Really? You mumma's boy.

Potter

*****

Potter,

You incomparable moron. Princess is my _mother's_ prized companion, which is why her name is on the tag (obviously). As for what she is doing at your hovel, I haven't the foggiest. Both Mother and her kneazel are devious and difficult to decipher at times. But she will probably worry if that cursed pest isn't home soon, so please secure her until I can retrieve her after work today. Do not under any circumstances let her out of your sight--there is no telling what mayhem she will get up to if left to her own devices.

... Much like Mother, actually.

DM

*****

Malfoy,

I don't think there is much a kneazle can get into. I mean, Hermione's did get into trouble now and again but he was such a mild cat. And this one, "Princess", is so sweet and cute. She's as fluffy as a doll, and so affectionate! She's been cuddled in my neck since the last letter. Are you sure she just doesn't like you?

HP

P.S. That's in another six hours! What should I feed her?

*****

Potter,

Do not, under any circumstances, underestimate that fiendish feline. She is known to purposely vomit in dress shoes and spill ink on unfinished manuscripts. I am quite sure she is lulling you into a false sense of security with her deceptive sweetness. I suggest appeasing her with red meat and fresh cream lest she make her displeasure known on your tottering mounds of fan mail. I will be there as soon as I can.

DM

*****

Malfoy,

Well, luckily for me I have no dress shoes or manuscripts (or, thankfully, fanmail). She is currently taking a nap on my bed. I made a nest for her from pillows and a fluffy blanket.

I don't have either of those things. Would milk and canned tuna do?

HP

*****

Ask her yourself, Potter. Princess does not shy from making her opinions known. All I need is for you to keep her alive and relatively happy for the next few hours and then we can all put this unnecessary business behind us.

That said, I appreciate your efforts to make her comfortable. I hope that whatever plans you had for the day--signing autographs? Posing for Witch Weekly's most eligible bachelor for the fourth year running?--aren't too terribly disrupted by her presence. If everything goes well, I should be able to collect her by 5:00 at the latest. I will compensate you for the trouble.

DM

*****

I do not sign autographs or pose for pictures! Anything of mine taken, including photos, were not consented. Why do you insist on pushing the idea of me enjoying all this stalking and hero worship? I can't even take someone on a date without being followed or harassed. Hell, I eventually quit the Aurors because the Head Auror wouldn't put me on any major cases because I'm so recognizable! I had only missing pets (har har), floo violations, and security detail at certain charities (which you know of since that is where we met again and all. And you proved you're still a git.)

As for Princess, she's currently in my lap watching the tellee. I tried switching it to a channel other than the crime network and she hissed at me.

HP

*****

Potter,

I insist because you are so wonderfully easy to rile. But you must know the teasing is all in good fun--as it was at the Ministry's gala. I didn't expect you there, nor to be looking so proper and posh; I had to be sure it really was you. That temper of yours is unmistakable.

I had wondered why you quit so soon after the event. The papers speculated, of course, but your rationale makes sense. I am unsurprised that the Ministry squandered yet another resource (in this case, your seemingly limitless talents).

I hope you enjoy a good criminal documentary. Those are her favourites. I swear she watches them for inspiration.

DM

*****

Who are you and what have you done with Malfoy? The man hates me and would certainly never _compliment_ me (especially not my wardrobe or "talent").

I had considered becoming a private investigator, but it would require daily polyjuice since even I admit I am too recognizable. I had suggested it to the Head Auror but he insisted it would have harmful effects if taken too often. Ugh. I think Robards was just afraid I might take his job or something, which I had no intention--and no one else really assumed it (except this one Potterfiliac, who was extremely creepy. Like keep-you-in-their-basement creepy.)

I still have no clue what you mean. She's so cuddly! And fluffy! Even during the show she would reach her head up and bump my chin. I just really don't think you're good with pets.

HP

*****

Potter,

I wish you would give me at least some credit--I have been a model citizen since the war and (almost) nothing but cordial in these letters. It shouldn't be so very surprising that I might have a kind word or two for you, especially considering all that you have done for me and my family. It has been some time since I wished ill of you, and even then, my feelings were more complex that simple hate.

I should have expected Princess to be taken with you. It gives her great satisfaction to treat everyone better than she treats me. Ungrateful brat.

If law enforcement isn't in your cards and you've no interest in your adoring fans, what will you do with yourself? Given how quickly you and Princess have settled in, perhaps you should get a pet.

DM

P.S. I have one last meeting before I can leave for the day. Hopefully it won't run long, but my publisher isn't known for his brevity, unfortunately.

*****

Malfoy,

I knew you were capable of compliments, I just never figured to me. And "almost nothing but" cordial? Every letter up until the second to last one was full of Potter Baiting!

I don't... Do pets anymore. At least not yet. Maybe in the future.

Sounds like you're to be late tonight. Why not stay over for dinner? Maybe you can see why she's not actually evil or you can try and prove she is?

HP

*****

Potter,

I must be brief lest I be late to my own meeting, but did you really just invite me to dinner?

On the off chance that you did and haven't immediately changed your mind, I accept.

DM

*****

Malfoy,

You accepted rather readily, well, for what I can read from that last note. And yes, that does mean I invited you to dinner. I've been mostly training (more for habit than anything) and wasting away at home so the company would be nice. I don't have anything fancy, though. Just burgers.

Princess keeps licking my face.

HP

oo00oo00oo

Dear Potter,

Princess is firmly ensconced in Mother's lap, purring happily. I am applying antiseptic to my wounds from Flooing with the beast. I wouldn't have believed she was so taken with you if I hadn't seen it myself. You have a way with temperamental creatures. (Hagrid's hippogriff, Gringott's dragon, me...)

Thank you again for looking after her this afternoon and for dinner. I apologize I had to leave so quickly, but you can probably imagine how Mother worries. She also sends her warm regards.

Have a good night.

DM

*****

Malfoy,

I never imagined I'd see the day you ever even hinted at a flaw. That particular sentence was oddly cute, especially for a Slytherin.

Well, I had a surprising amount of fun with you here. I guess I didn't realize just how lonely I really was without the lovebirds around, and I also didn't imagine you'd be such pleasant company!

I'm glad you both made it back safe (or mostly safe in your case.) Do you not know any healing charms? I'm sorry she hurt you, but attempting to hold a cat at arm's length like that never worked out for anyone.

Maybe we can see each other again some time?

HP

*****

Dear Potter,

I didn't expect another missive from you, especially so soon after my departure. You really must be lonely if _my_ company is what you desire.

Although it surprises you, I am quite well acquainted with my flaws...I just happen to have a good understanding of my virtues, as well. In the years since the war I have grown into something of a realist. It was unfounded idealism that started all that trouble in the first place.

Of course I know basic healing charms--what kind of question is that? _You_ should know that feline scratches are liable to become infected even with the judicious application of magic. And if I didn't hold Princess at arm's length, it would be my face torn to ribbons, not my shirtsleeves (and the skin beneath). Sacrifices have to be made.

I wouldn't be opposed to seeing you again, but my schedule is rather full at the moment. With the election just around the corner, news is busy. It would only be fair to return the kindness of your dinner, however. Next time will be my treat. Let me consult my schedule and get back to you.

DM

*****

Malfoy,

Right. Of course. I forgot all about your position, sorry. Sure, just let me know.

HP

oo00oo00oo

Dear Malfoy,

I hope a week isn't too soon into your busy schedule to contact you again, but your mum's cat is here. She's confiscated my vibrating recliner (and mews at me when the vibrations stop). She's sooty so I think she flooed in like before somehow...

Should I just deliver her to your mum since you're most likely ensconced anyway?

HP

*****

Dear Potter,

My sincerest apologies for the trouble. I don't know what has gotten in to that pesky feline. I am also sorry for not having written on my own sooner--as predicted, I have been slammed at work. But you needn't take time out of your day to run an errand for what really ought to be my responsibility. If I push myself, I think I can get my current article in before the 5pm press deadline. And if you'd like, I can bring dinner, as per our agreement. Is there a restaurant in or around Diagon that you frequent?

I hope that Princess treats you at least as well as she did last time. I'd much rather she continue the ruse than give you a taste of the temper with which she terrorizes me. 

Sorry again!

Draco

*****

Malfoy,

I'm not picky when it comes to food, really. Bring whatever you like.

She's still being very sweet--in fact, she let me sit with her and we enjoyed the chair for a few minutes before I got your letter. I didn't want it to be illegible so she's hogging it to herself once again. I think it will keep her preoccupied for a long time.

Unlike some people, I have no life so I don't mind.

HP

*****

Goodness, Potter, maybe Princess decided you are far too mopey for your own good and she has taken up your cause as her--if you will excuse the turn of phrase--pet project. You're the Saviour of the Wizarding World for Merlin's sake! The fantasy of every woman (and more than a few men). A media darling and, what's more, beloved by your Weasleys. Why so glum?

Unless you object, I will bring pasta and wine. I have cleared my evening schedule so I just need to get this article finished and approved and then I can give you a rousing Malfoy pep talk in person.

See you soon.

Draco

*****

Malfoy,

Can't a man just enjoy his couch? And numerous naps? And the occasional tellee coma? I think I earned them.

Wine and pasta sounds fine... Not sure if I have wine glasses, though. I have snifters?

Princess learned how to use the remote. Kneazles sure are smart...

HP

*****

Salazar--what is she watching now? I need to be prepared for whatever nefarious schemes she hatches next.

As for your couch and Telly, you are more than welcome to them and you have certainly earned them, you just don't seem to be particularly satisfied by them. Perhaps that is a more recent development. Or maybe I simply misunderstood.

I will bring stemware. Wine is not to be drunk from a snifter, dear man.

DM

*****

Malfoy,

I have been feeling rather restless. Like, something is missing from my life... It's hard to explain what I mean. Ron thinks I need to get laid, and both he and Hermione keep trying to set me up on dates but all Ron chooses are women (he's in denial about some things) and all Hermione chooses are book worm types and Unspeakables. I'm sure someone out there finds spells about skinning people alive or books on the _100 uses of Sulfur_ interesting, but not me. I mean, despite popular belief I do love reading (and I've been doing it a lot lately), but it isn't as essential to my life as, say, _air_.

Sorry, wrote this after another stern lecture from 'Mione about being "too picky" with the men I date. Bad mood now.

Princess is watching a show on... Surgery.

HP

*****

Dear Potter,

If I spent as much time on my article as I have composing these replies, I might be done by now. That isn't a complaint--I have enjoyed your letters. But I find myself far too easily distracted by you. Particularly after some of the more interesting details in your last missive.

I wish to discuss them further with you this evening. As well as to improve your mood if I can.

Sincerely,  
Draco

P.S.  
Princess's taste in entertainment is disconcerting.

*****

Malfoy,

If I didn't know better I might have taken that casual bit about "cheering [me] up" as a sort of "hint hint". Maybe I do need to get shagged?

She is paying particular attention to the episode about open heart surgery. You may need to be careful! This is muggle tellee, meaning they use knives and needles instead of magic.

It's kind of funny to know we're distracting you so much while being so far away. See you when you get here, then.

HP

*****

Potter,

That isn't what I meant but I wouldn't object to your interpretation. It would go a long way toward cheering _me_ up, in fact.

I am on my way with wine and pasta in hand. Hopefully you are still in one piece!

Draco


End file.
